My Take on People Pleasing, Hope you are Pleased 😄

People pleasing – somehow being pleasant, kind, courteous, forgiving, thoughtful and generous (sharing pleasure) became an unpleasant label. And I see more and more people trying to be against being people-pleasers thus abandoning the qualities that distinguish us as human beings. How did this happen? How did having these amazing heartfelt human qualities of generosity, care for another human being, thinking about other people’s needs became a trauma symptom to never embody again? Here is my full take on different cycles of people pleasing that I have been through, and how I returned to being pleasant.

When I was first labeled as a people pleaser, I felt ashamed. My once appreciated fundamental ingredients that make up characteristics ofpeople – pleasing were now being used against me to express displeasure. I doubted my own qualities of compassion, kindness, service, when you have nothing good to say – stay silent, care, generosity. I started becoming more anxious than ever before, worried, hyper vigilant on whether my actions are to please someone (because that was now a crime), ironically all in an attempt to please some unpleasable personalities. Ever come across those – that are never happy no matter what you do, discontent, chasing more, expecting you to be better than who you are, who feel they know what’s better for you than your own inner guidance. It takes a while to recognize the dynamic, sometimes months, sometimes years. (if you want to know the two sure shot red flags of these dynamics, check out my YouTube video on what not to tolerate. That is my guiding post these days before progressing in any relationship).

So, in order to cure my people pleasing to please unpleasable people, I stopped pleasing all other people by stop being pleasant. That was a tongue twister to read, lol. It was that simple, wasn’t it? I started eroding care, generosity, kindness, forgiveness, became miserly with sharing my love, and endless other elements that made up my essence from childhood. I also started affirming that I wanted to be a God-pleaser not a People-pleaser. It just started making things worse as the influence of people with God-complex became stronger. It’s like boiling a frog, you don’t put a frog in boiling water – it will jump out, you put it in room temperature and slowly raise the heat. That’s what it felt like. It took a long-winded road of feeling frustrated, alone, self-doubt, empty, emotionally, mentally and spiritually violated to find the truth as I know it today.

In order for people to be pleasant, I had forgotten an essential counterpart of pleasing, and that was thankfulness. One of the foremost lessons of interaction with other people we learn as kids is ask for your needs with a “please” and if your need is met i.e. if you are “pleased” or if you can acknowledge the thoughtfulness of the other person, say “Thank You” to the person responsible for that. These are even labeled as “Pleasantries”. The exploitation of people-pleasing exists because there is no reciprocation or even worse, sometimes there is extreme criticism, entitlement, privileged behavior and self-assigned pedestals on the other end. The reverse exploitation also exists as please can be used as ‘pretty-please’ – a persuasion technique beyond the inherent courteous nature – which is to invoke humility when asking for what you want. There is also a spiritual loophole that makes this condition worse, where we are further taught that don’t expect a “Thank You” for every deed. But just because you don’t expect a Thank You, doesn’t mean you continue with tolerating rude behaviors. If you have experienced attachment trauma injury in early childhood (I will talk about this in another blog), then you are prone to be wired neurologically to tolerate unacceptable behavior. This is more prevalent in cultures and communities that went through the worsened consequence of imperialism and colonialism.

I also feel it is relevant to remind here that there is no ideal person on this earth, however, there are degrees of emotional violence that is tolerated in the name of, ‘we are all imperfect’, victims feel ashamed to speak about their experiences, fear of being called ‘you are playing the victim card’. And I am ever so thankful to the few significant friends who extended empathetic inquiry in a safe space. Their courteous mindfulness allowed me to face what was happening. Once I started voicing my thoughts and anxieties in the safe privacy (which I call transmuting through sound from your throat chakra), I was able to see things more clearly and shift back to my natural pleasantness and each of those ingredients were restored. I had to water it consciously for allow the growth to take place, with self-compassion and kindness. In the end, I realized I didn’t have the worst case of people pleasing, I can remember a few times where I have said no to people. I was just trying to please some very discontent unpleasable people, and it was like banging my head on a brick wall. Once my environment was re-arranged with reciprocated pleasantries, I blossomed back to my smiling, optimistic self but with an awareness and balance.

This message is for all the people pleasers who feel ashamed or beat themselves up for this beautiful quality that is intended for the world around you to be more joyous, more pleasant, more light – Please nourish yourself with the same qualities, evaluate your environment to see if there is reciprocation, do a gentle inquiry if all your relationships feel as equal partnerships filled with respect and love. Continue to maintain the respect, the ones that cannot handle the mutual equality will eventually wither and fall away. The outer environment affects the inner environment, and vice-versa. At the end, we all need a pleasant environment to blossom to our fullest potential. 

Thank you for staying pleasant and authentic. 

Soffeah

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